Staged and Scribbled

I’m done thinking that trying isn’t cool. I grew up in an environment where you believed that if you were talented enough, your path would find you, and if it didn’t, that was only because you weren’t good enough. Trying, at anything, was embarrassing and desperate. But I am done with that now because every successful person I know has tried so hard, and no one is considering them to be embarrassing or desperate anymore.

I have loved my 20s and even my teenage years, and I don’t think anyone would ever be able to say that I didn’t do enough. I have worked so hard to be a cool girl, suppressed my emotions and desires, listened to all the correct music, watched the correct movies, and there is next to no conversation that I can’t bring some random input into, and I love that. I have always felt perpetually uncool and lame, and now I know that I can banter with the best of them.

But I cannot continue that life anymore, and luckily, I really don’t want to either. I am done constantly trying to remember the cool thing to say and hate myself the next day for doing it all wrong. I’m done with going out every weekend, and I can no longer run from anything that seems serious or real.

I now want to run towards all things serious and real.

So, this is the time where I will start speaking up, texting first, and trying out for all the jobs I want.

I will be so embarrassing that people will stop hanging out with me, and I will see them to the door. Because from now on I only want people around me who will absolutely ride for me, and I will ride so incredibly hard for them in return, and together we shall lift each other up to overwhelmingly new heights.

I will claim my greatness and stop listening to the hate, especially the one inside my head. I will take what I deserve, and I won’t feel bad about it.

I will understand that this is a process, and I will allow myself to slip and fall and to be imperfect in the pursuit.

I will have radical patience and radical love for myself and for others. I will think the best of everyone I meet, and I will talk to them with the respect that everyone deserves.

I will accept that I am flawed, and worse than that, I will accept that I am a flawed woman. I will talk nicely to myself and let myself experience the kind of friend I am to others.

I will love my flaws, celebrate them, apologise for them once and then move on.

I will love myself unconditionally, and I will respect my boundaries, my needs and my wants.